Every Single Word Leads Up To This Moment
by SereneCalamity
Summary: Jace had always hoped that they would end up back here. But apparently, Clary had a different outlook. Clace. Oneshot.


**So this one is a bit...Different for me. I hope you guys still enjoy it. I apologize for any mistakes. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own the characters, or the title, which comes from _Back To You _by Selena Gomez, which I'm still addicted to, even after listening to it about a hundred times. **

Jace Herondale was staring at an open bottle of whiskey when he heard his front door slam open. None of the golden liquid was missing from the sculpted glass, but the lid was off, sitting on the wooden table next to it. He didn't flinch or look up as he heard feet stomping down the long hallway that lead around to the back of the house, to the main dining room where he was sitting. He heard a harsh intake of breath as the person reached the door and saw him, and then there was a flurry of movement as the bottle was snatched of the table and he heard it slam into the sink, the glass shattering and the liquid splashing everywhere.

He still didn't move.

"What the fuck have you drunk, Jace?" Clary's voice was shaking with barely controlled anger. "Is that the first bottle?" He knew that she was standing on the other side of the table, only a few steps away, but it sounded as though her voice was far away. He could hear every word that she was saying, but it just sounded...It sounded as though she was just slightly out of reach. Just beyond his grasp. "Jace!" The anger was still there but there was fear as well, and at the back of his mind, he could understand that, but he really wasn't in a reasonable right now, so he didn't acknowledge it.

And then she was right beside him, shaking his shoulder and grabbing his chin, forcing him to look up at her.

Jace saw her face and he saw the horror register in her eyes and he saw her mouth part as she took in just how terrible he looked.

"Jace..." her voice sounded broken now, and it flashed him right back to twelve years ago, which was probably right where she was as well.

"I haven't had anything," he spat out, his voice hoarse and his eyes narrow and furious and it was obvious in the way she jerked at his tone that he had gotten across the point that he had been trying to make. She let go of his shoulder and her other hand that had been holding his chin fell to her side.

"But you look—you haven't been around! No one has seen you in over a week, not since—" she cut herself off from whatever she was about to say and she clicked her teeth together.

"Since _what_?" Jace sneered at her. "Since we _fucked_?" Clary cringed at the word and he saw her throat convulse as she swallowed hard, several times. He let out a harsh laugh that echoed off the glass walls around them and Clary lifted her arms to wrap around her middle, as though to protect herself. "Since you_ left me_ in that bed? By myself? After the first time we _kissed_ and did _anything else_ in nearly thirteen years?!" Clary took in a deep breath, squeezing her eyes shut for a moment, and when she opened them again, he could see the regret and the pain on her face.

"I couldn't stay, Jace—"

"Well, that much was damn obvious," Jace snapped at her. "Given you fucking _left_ without a word!" He slammed a hand down on the wooden table and it let out a loud groan at the pressure and Clary dug her teeth into her lower lip painfully. "Acting like what happened was fucking nothing, just some random one night stand—"

"Hey!" Clary's eyes narrowed and he could see anger flashing there, the same anger that had been surrounding her when she had first stormed into the house. "I left the way I did _because_ it wasn't some random one night stand."

"_No_! It _wasn't_!" Jace suddenly got up, slamming his hands on the table and sending his chair toppling backwards, cracking against the window behind him. "It was _me_! And you _left_!"

"It was a mistake!" Clary's voice rose to match his own, her eyes sparking and her fiery around her face. Jace blinked, taken aback by her words, and his face paled. Clary saw that she got through to him, and her face softened a little, but her lips were still in a firm line. "What happened between us...It was a mistake and shouldn't have happened." All the fight seemed to leave Jace and his shoulders deflated.

"You think it was a mistake?" He managed to ask and Clary lifted her eyes upward, looking at the ceiling and closing her eyes for a moment before letting out a long breath and then meeting his eyes.

"Yes," she answered steadily, although her eyes were glassy. "We've been down this path before and it didn't end well."

"But that was—" Jace cut himself off, clicking his teeth. "But that was _then_. That was _years_ ago. Things are different now." Clary looked at him and he literally saw the moment the shutters came up, closing off her eyes and she shook her head. She twisted her head to look over her shoulder, at the sink, where the shattered whiskey bottle was, the scent still cloying at the air.

"Doesn't seem that different," Clary stated.

Jace wanted to snap and yell, he wanted to tell her that that wasn't fair, that she was making an assumption, that they had this _chance_ to try and right something that had gone wrong a long time ago—over twelve years ago. But then...He could also understand where she was coming.

Why she was protecting herself.

"If something were to happen between us again, it wouldn't be like this," her voice was almost a hiss, as she waved between the chair on the floor, Jace, and then toward the sink with the broken alcohol bottle. "It would _never_ be like this again." And then she turned on her heel and was storming back out of the house, leaving a trail of subtle perfume that she was wearing and the body wash that she had been using for years now.

Jace's heart squeezed and his stomach turned over, and he felt even worse than he had ten minutes ago.

A half hour later, he text his sponsor.

Hodge Starkweather was there ten minutes later, with a greasy pizza and an easy, understanding smile.

* * *

"I'm surprised you showed up," Alexander Lightwood muttered under his breath, clearly not impressed that with how MIA Jace had been in the past week and a half. Jace let out a short breath through his clenched teeth, wondering if Clary had told Isabelle Lightwood anything, who would have in turn told Alec, but from the silence on his phone—other than annoyed texts from his bandmates and telling him to get to their next practice and a couple of phone calls from his manager, that he purposefully ignored—he was going to go with no.

She hadn't told them.

She hadn't told them that he had alcohol in his home for the first time in twelve years.

Jace knew that it wasn't because she wasn't worried, because Clary worried about everyone, and she especially worried about Jace, because he was one of the most important people in her life.

So it meant that she trusted him.

She trusted that he wasn't going to start drinking again.

"Yeah," Jace didn't know what else to say. "Sorry." Alec looked at him for a long moment, through eyelashes, and Jace knew that Alec was trying to figure out if it was something that he should press. But obviously, he decided that it was something he would put away for later, because Jordan Kyle and Simon Lewis pushed open the door and clattered inside. There were shouts from both of them as they saw Jace, and the mood in the room shifted.

"Jace!" Simon shouted out, obviously nowhere near as annoyed as Alec was. But that was pretty normal, really. Simon and Jordan were both pretty chilled out and went with the flow, it was Jace and Alec were the ones who were uptight and needed to keep to the schedule and got upset when things didn't go to plan.

"Shit, man—it's been a while," Jordan hummed out as he came over and slapped a hand down on Jace's shoulder. They had been a band all together for coming up three years now, which wasn't really _that_ long, but Alec and Jace already had quite a following from previously, given the band they had been in with Sebastian Verlac and Raphael Santiago before. They had known Simon for a while through Clary, although he had never really broken into mainstream with his ex girlfriend Maia Roberts. Then there was Jordan, who was Maia's _new_ boyfriend who they had met through Simon, and the lot of them got on surprisingly well.

So well that just under a year after Alec and Jace's first band disbanded, they had come to the pair and proposed starting a new one.

It had been one of the best moves they had made.

"It's only been just over a week," Jace tried to roll his eyes and play it off because he didn't want this to become a whole band thing, interrogating him. Simon grinned at him, obviously not bothered that he missed the past two practices, which was one of the best things about it. The fact he was also grinning at him meant that Clary hadn't told _him_ about what had happened them.

_Both_ things he was guessing.

Sleeping together _and_ finding him with alcohol.

"Let's get into this," Jace said, feeling a heaviness in the pit of his stomach that had been there ever since the morning he had woken up when the bed was empty next to him.

* * *

They performed twice over the next week, once in a smaller bar that was now owned by Sebastian—quite a turn around from music as a living—and it was a sold out gig, although very small, different for them. The second was a full on concert, alongside three other bands, and Jace would have enjoyed it if it was a normal week, but it wasn't.

It was all wrong.

Clary was a photographer, and she was in high demand, but she always found time for them. She came to some of their bigger performances and took photos, the band comfortable with her moving around behind them and taking photos over their shoulders, catching them with the audience in the background. But the smaller gigs were the ones that she hardly ever missed. She loved seeing them in a more intimate setting, and Jace always felt better with her there, even if most of the time he didn't know where she was.

But she wasn't there.

And she had ignored his text when he had messaged her about it, and it seemed as though she wasn't doing a good job in being in contact with _anyone_ because Simon complained that he hadn't heard anything back from her either.

It was his fault.

Logically, he knew it wasn't _all_ his fault, but self blame was something he was good at, wearing the brunt of it on his shoulders.

Clary had gotten drunk.

_Really_ drunk.

And he had smelt some weed on her as well, which was amusing.

It had been Isabelle and Simon's engagement party, and given how wealthy the Lightwoods were, it had been a big bash, thrown in a hotel events room, and they had paid for everyone to have rooms in the fancy hotel. There was a lot of alcohol, and most people were drunk, especially the younger ones, but Jace was okay with it. He had been sober for a long time now—his first attempt had been twelve years ago, and with a couple of pitfalls and setbacks as he found his footing, he had been stone cold sober for ten years now. He barely batted an eyelid at the alcohol flowing around him, although he did feel a little flicker of jealousy when he saw Clary looking completely free and happy, dancing around with Raphael and Simon. Raphael had disappeared with Clary, and then Isabelle and Alec had gone, and after a while of making small talk with Robert and Maryse Lightwood, he had set off looking for his friends.

He had found them outside, getting stoned in the bushes, like teenagers.

The way that they had looked him with bright, bloodshot eyes and mouths parted, looked a hell of a lot like teenagers getting caught by an adult as well.

He and Clary had danced, and at first, it felt like it had for the past few years.

Like friends.

Something that Jace hadn't been happy about, but what he knew he had to accept.

But then the songs began to drift into something slower, and people were dancing in couples and kissing slowly, and Clary looked a little hesitant, but Jace pressed his hand firmly against the small of her back, pulling her in tighter against him, and she went with it. She had rested her head against his shoulder and swayed with him.

And one thing had lead to another as they had taken the elevator up to the floor with their rooms were. Clary was drunk and still a little stoned and she was singing the last song that had been playing downstairs.

She had been the one to kiss him.

But Jace had definitely been staring at her mouth and pressing himself against her, hoping that she would make the first move because he knew that he wasn't brave enough to do it himself.

And now they were here.

* * *

It was nearly a month later that Jace saw Clary.

It was Magnus' birthday and they were all at the club that he owned. Clary had come in late, although Jace was glad that it wasn't because of him, because Isabelle mentioned that Clary had quite a few gigs recently and she was spending a lot of time editing because she had deadlines coming up.

When she arrived, she beelined over to their group, hugging and kissing everyone, including Jace, even if her mouth tightened a little in the corners.

There was a time when Jace wouldn't be able to be in a bar, _especially_ when he wasn't feeling one hundred percent mentally or emotionally.

Now, though the alcohol that was sloshing over the sides of his friends glasses was tempting, it was easier for him to ignore.

Clary stuck to non-alcoholic drinks the entire evening.

It was almost two when they all began leaving, and Clary shook her head to sharing a cab with Isabelle and Simon, even though they all lived close to each other. She hung back, waiting with Jace until everyone was gone, and then she turned to him. He had known this was coming since she turned down the ride with Isabelle and SImon, and his stomach had been churning in apprehension.

"I'm sorry," she began, her words quiet. Jace was surprised, because that wasn't what he expected her to say.

"It's...Okay?" Jace replied, a bit unsure. Clary nodded her head and took in a deep breath.

"I'm sorry about how I reacted when I got to your place and I'm sorry about what I said," she continued, shifting the grip on the jacket she was holding with both hands. "I just...I was scared."

"I know," Jace murmured.

"And I'm sorry if calling Hodge was stepping over a line," she murmured. Jace's eyebrow twitched upward, and then it made a lot more sense, on how Hodge had gotten to his house so quickly when he had text him. "I just didn't want you to be alone, but I didn't want you to tell Alec or Izzy."

"It's alright," Jace said, and he appreciated it, that she had gone directly to his sponsor rather than talking to their friends. He stepped in a little closer to her. He didn't crowd her, but there were a lot of other people milling around outside the club and this wasn't a conversation that he wanted anyone else to share in.

This was just between the two of them.

Clary didn't seem to mind, and she leaned against the brick wall of the building, face still turned up to look at Jace. That had always been something that he had loved and appreciated about her, how open she was with her feelings and emotions, and how she always told him the truth, even when it was hard for her—for both of them. Sometimes it took her a bit to process everything, but when she was ready, she was always truthful and honest about everything.

"Last time we were together, it ended badly, and it took me a long time to get over that," Clary stated. Jace knew that, but he felt the heaviness of each word on his shoulders. "I _still_ don't know if I'm over it. And there's so much that I blame myself for, and..." she took in a shaky breath and Jace could feel pressure behind his eyes.

He knew that Clary felt this way, even though it had been years.

He knew that she had been in and out of therapy almost the whole.

He knew that it didn't matter what he said, she would also shoulder some of the blame.

"And I just can't get that...That time in the hospital out of my head," Clary's words sounded a little choked and Jace reached out for her, gently brushing his fingers over the back of her hand. She didn't pull away, but she didn't make a move to hold his hand either. They were quiet for a long time, and Jace could see that Clary was trying to steady her breathing and build herself up to whatever it was she was about to say. Finally, she inhaled deep through her nose and straightened up, away from the wall. "But I'm nearly thirty-two, and I'm still in love with you."

Jace blinked.

_That_ was unexpected.

"I'm fucking petrified and I meant what I said at your place, that it was a mistake we slept together, because it should never have been like that," Clary said evenly. "After everything that we've been through, after everything we are to each other, it should never have been a drunken fumble around—at least, drunken for me. And...And I think you know that as well, given how I found you..." she gave him a pointed look. Jace pursed his lips together and looked down. "Just...If everything has been building up to this, over the years, then we have to do it right. We have to be careful and we have to look after each other. We have to look after _ourselves_."

The words were heavy and full of meaning.

Jace knew what she was saying.

There would be a lot on the line if they decided to do this for a second time.

They _both_ had a lot on the line.

And Clary was scared.

It was written all over her face.

"Okay," Jace whispered, leaning forward and pressing a kiss to the apple of her cheek. "Okay, we got this."

* * *

Jace had found out he was an alcoholic quite young, although it had taken him a while to actually accept it.

He had started drinking around fourteen, at parties and things, in social settings, but then he had started drinking more by himself, when he was at home, when his father was abusing his mother and his mother was cheating on his father. It made him feel better about himself, and it actually helped when he was writing music. Alec would come over and write music with him, and they would play in the garage, and he had made a few comments about the amount of empty bottles that seemed to appear, but that was it. He felt better when he was drinking, he felt lighter, he didn't feel as though he needed to worry so much.

It wasn't until they both dropped out of school and moved to New York that it became obvious.

Jace and Clary had gotten together when they were seventeen, just a few months after he had moved into the city. She was already there, and her mother was heavily involved in the music world because she was an agent. They had met when Jace and Alec were playing in a bar, one of their first gigs, even though it couldn't really be called that, since they weren't getting paid for it, and Jace had thought that she was the sweetest girl he'd ever met.

It had latest just over a year.

The drinking didn't help so much anymore.

It kind of just made more problems.

But he couldn't stop.

He got into fights and almost got banned from a couple of a bars.

He got angry a lot and started taking it out on people around him.

Clary tried to help and she talked to Alec and Isabelle and they all tried to tell him that he should see someone, that he needed to slow down and maybe stop completely, but Jace wouldn't listen. He and Clary ended up in a fight that he didn't remember _anything_ of, but he knew it was bad, because they were over, they were done, and that just sent him into a whole new spiral, and he ended up in hospital. His stomach had to be pumped and he was admitted for just over a week.

It was after that that Jace accepted he had a problem and he sought help.

It was a long road, but he had the support of his friends and his cousins, and he made it through, albeit with a few hiccups.

Jace had apologized to Clary a lot over the years, but it wasn't until he was a few years into his sobriety that they properly talked about what had happened and Clary had told him that she felt responsible for the particularly bad spiral that had sent him to hospital, and that she knew he had a problem only shortly into their relationship and she felt responsible for not forcing him to get help earlier.

Jace tried to tell her over and over again that it wasn't on her.

It was _never_ on her.

And there was no way that he would have gone and gotten help before he was ready, that was something that _he_ needed to do, not her.

It had been rocky, but they were solid friends.

* * *

Their relationship moved at a crawling pace.

They didn't sleep together.

They barely even _kissed_.

But Jace was okay with that, because it meant that he got another chance with her. And he knew that this was something that he had to treat carefully, and as Clary had said, they needed to look after each other _and_ themselves. He talked at length with Hodge about what was going on, and Hodge completely approved, he had known Clary the whole time he had been Jace's sponsor.

It was _months_ before they graduated past hand holding and chaste kisses.

It was nearly a year before they slept together.

Everything that had happened in their lives—both the good and the bad—had lead up to where they were now, and even though he had made a hundred mistakes, he had finally found himself with the woman that he loved and he would be a better man for both of them.

**Let me know what you think x**


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